Morning

Today starts slowly and quietly. I woke up "early" (well, earlier than I have been--0730) and made myself get out of bed only for one purpose--the maintenance man is coming sometime between 0800 and 1000. As of yet, I am still too tired to do anything physically demanding (like the cleaning I want to get done today), too sluggish to focus on much. So here I sit, playing Spider Solitaire, I try to figure out what I can do with myself that also will not wake my son before he's done sleeping. So, I stop playing for a minute or two and look around me. What needs to be done? Oh, lots as far as I'm concerned! I start to make a list. As I look around the house again, I notice the stillness and silence around me; it is refreshing. Light dances on the walls as the sun slowly rises and fights with the tree outside my window to shine through. Peace. I just feel peace.

...And right on cue...HE'S AWAKE! Hahaha.

Adult Subjects

Having a toddler and another child on the way, I have begun to think about how I am going to explain certain things to them as they grow and begin to question this world. I remember having these questions or thoughts myself and not understanding why my parents handled it the way they did, whether ignoring the question or just saying, "You will understand when you are older." For instance, one day my sister was playing some songs out of a "pop hits" book on the piano. When she played the theme from "Schindler's List" I just loved it. I looked at the title and asked my parents what that was and if I could see it. I was probably 11 or so at the time. The only response I received was a sarcastic laugh and "You won't be watching that for many years yet." When I asked why, I was stared at with unknowing looks, and then they continued with their day.

I once saw a movie (which, I do not remember) where a little girl asked her parents about sex; they explained it as every woman having a garden and some day a man will pick the flower from her garden, etc., so then this girl grew up and was obsessed with keeping a garden, even long after being married. I know the day will come when my oldest asks his first question that will throw me for a loop. What I will say at that moment, I do not know. All I know is that I want to somehow tell my kids the truth, shelter them from the painful things in life (such as what "Schindler's List" is), and yet not confuse them with my answer. But is that even possible? How much sheltering is too much? How much truth can be told without creating scars?

Post Reactions

I seem to be failing at writing frequently, despite how well I was doing before. So, now my entries might be a little random, if not just to get me to write down anything to get into the swing of it all.

Half of the time on Facebook, I cannot help but laugh at someone's response to one of my status updates. Whether at my step-grandmother who seems to leave me odd messages that have nothing to do with the post or at people who think that I am completely serious when I am really being ironic, goofy, or simply showing my lack of concentration (thank you, placenta-brain; truly, I was passing along an easy, three-step recipe to a friend earlier and couldn't remember the word "clove" while referencing garlic). No wonder I use so many emoticons when chatting with people; apparently my personality doesn't come out in my keystrokes!

Transition and Trials

Much has been on my mind lately. This time in my life seems to be full of transitions and some trials. The transitions are mainly my getting ready for the new baby, adjusting to the deployment, being a single mom (temporarily), and STILL adjusting to a new country. My son is in some sort of almost-two-years-old transition; his sleep is all over the place, as is his behavior.

Aside from the mass collision of all these things together, I feel like I am being tested. Upon moving to the new base, I have been unsuccessful in finding a church that meets my spiritual needs. Because of this, I have not been attending regular services, but have only been to a women's Bible study on a regular basis. And because of that, I have not exactly been tithing, though I was relieved when they finally started collecting offering at the study. In both instances I feel pressed to adjust myself; ironically enough, it feels like the higher priority is toward service attendance. Perhaps it is because in my heart I do not disagree with tithing, but I find it ridiculous to attend a service that does not feed me spiritually. On top of that, with my husband deployed and childcare constantly full (seriously), I am always in the cry room with my son; there is no way he will sit quiet and still in a pew, even for a 45 minute service. The speakers in that room do not work, meaning if you are in there you do not even hear the service unless the kids are super quiet, both in voice and with toys, and you can keep the door open, at which point even then you have to strain to hear every word. Of the...oh, possibly seven or so services I have attended, only two of them was I able to be part of the congregation. Ironically enough, the feeling of being cut off is reinforced by the fact that the ushers completely pass up the cry room, whether collecting offering or passing out communion. I have to stand out the door, making sure my son doesn't bolt, money in hand, and waving to be able to pay my tithe.

Nursery opens 15 minutes before the service starts. Last week I managed to leave early with the idea that my arriving just as the service was starting was why childcare was always full. I arrived 10 minutes prior to the service, and they were already full! See? I am getting fired up about it all over again! *breathe* My friend arrived, daughter also in tow due to the full nursery. Shocked that we could not hear anything in the cry room and a full day ahead of her, she decided to leave and get her shopping done instead of just sitting in the room. I wanted to follow her so much! "The speakers don't work?" No. "So we can't even hear the sermon?!" Nope. "It's kind of pointless to stay, isn't it?" *facepalm* Yet I felt pulled to stay, just as I had felt pulled to come. The whole time I felt myself grumbling inside, and the whole time I tried to stop it. There is a reason I am here. There is a reason He wants me to stay. I may not know it and I may not understand it, but it is there nonetheless. At this, I simply tried to hear and enjoy what I could. I paid my offering, I took communion, and I left while they were singing the closing hymn so I could get out of the parking lot before it was overrun with children.

These are definitions of "slack" from webster.com:

"Slack (verb)--to shirk or evade work or duty"
"Slack (adj)--not using due diligence, care, or dispatch : negligent
--lacking in completeness, finish, or perfection

I know that I have definitely evaded attending service regularly, using excuses like "I lost track of the time/days," "Nursery is always full," "I never learn anything," "I don't feel like it," "[Child] is having a bad day," and "I can learn more by simply reading my Bible at home." Hebrews 10:25 tells us not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together: I would call that a duty, and I have failed. I have not been diligent at all, which I find somewhat funny considering I used to wonder how people could seriously just not realize it was Sunday and thus miss the service. I used to count the days until the next service, I loved it that much! I guess I am not as faithful as I thought, seeing as how it seems most of my motivation was for personal gain and pleasure and not to glorify God.

...and that realization hurts...

Motherly or fail?

Sometimes I feel like a bad mother. I see writing on my walls, large messes of food or drink all over my floors, and toys EVERYwhere. It seems I cannot help but think that I am failing at keeping house, failing at keeping my child "safe," failing at making meals...just failing in general.

Then I thought, what? Am I not supposed to allow my child to explore without me holding his hand the whole time? Am I not supposed to let him learn on his own, like the differences between how milk hits the floor versus cereal? Or not let him see how Kix tend to roll across the room without stopping but Cheerios don't? Or how quickly a ball drops down the stairs, but clothes tend to drift downward? Truly my only problem is not cleaning things up as soon as it happens.

The truth is that I have a different parenting style compared to most of the articles I have read or things I have seen from the "experts." Then again, I tend to disagree with most experts anyway. So, there I have it. I am a fine mother, and my son is healthy and growing wonderfully well.

Toilet Training

Oh, toilet training--what a truly love-hate relationship we have!

I started naked toilet training a couple days ago, and it is going well. Today I am going to put some training underwear on him (not pull-ups, but padded underwear) and see how he does and how he reacts when they get wet. And yes, we call it "pee," "poop," and "toilet." The word "potty" will not be used. Right now his reward is being able to help Mommy flush the toilet, and he seems content with that; he has never been scared of the flush. I tried doing a high-five or a bump-it, but he didn't seem to care.

By the middle of the first day, he was able to try to pee and succeed at least a drop if not a squirt. Yesterday he started peeing in his toilet without coaxing from me (though not all the time), and then he would take the bucket part to the big toilet and dump it out. I had to retake that job, though, because he would get too excited about dumping it and I would end up with pee all over my floor and toilet. This morning, we had our first successful poop in the toilet. He had this concerned look on his face and was grunting, but he wasn't peeing so I didn't worry about it. Then he hopped down from the chair, ran over and sat on his toilet, and made. He looked at it and said, "Oooooh," but I told him it was okay. He looked at it again and then gave me a really big grin. It seems like we're doing fairly well! My goal is to have him mostly independent with the toilet use by the time baby #2 comes along, meaning I have about four months.

To Do

Today I made myself a schedule of household chores. I wrote down everything that I want to do, and then decided how often I wanted to do them. Then I took my planner, and wrote all the chores down, trying to spread them out in such a way that I would not get overwhelmed next time I open my planner. I feel good about it, though I know I will not be able to do all of it immediately.

I also put as a goal that I want to learn German (basics, anyway) within the next couple months, that way when my baby is due, I will have less trouble talking to the nursing staff and my doctor. I realized while I was studying for my certification exam that the only way I will get things like this done when I am wanting to is if I set a schedule and stick to it (despite that schedules never work any other time for me). So I also took some time, looked at how my beginner's German book is set up, and wrote down my goals of when to have each chapter done.

Now, I am feeling rather good about myself in that I am starting to take control of how and when things are happening. I also feel like I am finally getting the swing of things, which is a relief!

Trivial Epiphany

Thanks to genetics and upbringing, I am a movie fan. I love learning about the actors and seeing what other movies they have done. Giddiness attacks me when I realize one of my favorite actors is in a movie I loved as a child, or when I actually recognize a cartoon character's voice. Whenever I wonder about anyone or anything in this realm, I delve into imdb.com, amongst other places, and do lots of research.

This morning I had a revelation--if I spent near as much time, energy, and/or passion into getting to know God...wow, what a place I would be in!

Swearing

I do not swear, at least not by society's standards because they aren't certain words. There is a running joke, though, between my husband and myself that I get so frustrated that it's going to make me swear. He laughs and comments on how that would be the day. What he does not realize, though, is that I truly do just want to go off on people sometimes, and in those times I actually do not know what to say. If I actually did go off, I believe vulgarities are what would come out, since that is the only way I have ever heard someone go off.

Lately, I have been reading the Lord of the Rings series. In these situations, I find myself feeling much like Frodo does when enemies are near. There is a pulling within him to do something, usually to put on the ring, which he comes to realize is not his wanting, but the power of the enemy within him trying to sway his actions and his judgement. Many years ago I broke and started swearing (ah, middle school), but only at a friend's house so as not to get caught. I stopped when I realized I almost went off on my mother once, and I am pretty sure that would have been the end of me. I resist now, knowing that it would do me no good. I have found that swearing brings forth anger, and not just in me. Those who swear explicitly tend to be much more forceful and easily infuriated. I already have enough issues with staying at peace; I do not need to add this to it.

I Ain't Ready to Quit

The other day, my husband was making beef jerky and singing/listening to some country music. After one song, he immediately brought the player over to me because he said I just had to hear this song called "I Ain't Ready to Quit" by Jason Aldean. We have been on and off about him quitting smoking, and though he means to, he has come to the conclusion that it is not going to happen successfully unless he is actually ready and doing it for himself. So when he tells me the name of the song, I just shake my head. The first verse talks about smoking, the second verse about driving too fast (which he does as well), but then the chorus and last verse were totally unexpected to me.

"Don't start thinking I'm gonna stop / Givin' it all I got / And you think you've seen love / You ain't seen nothing yet / How could I ever get tired / Of waking up by your side / And the taste of your sweet kiss / Tells me I ain't ready to quit // There's something 'bout the way you say my name / That drives this ole country boy insane / So baby don't stop loving me like this / Cause I ain't ready to quit"

Afterward, his the huge, loving look on his face told me that he was reinforcing his love, not his habit.

Early this morning I said goodbye to my husband and dropped him off for his deployment. We did not spend much time saying goodbye, as neither of us could handle it very long. I was just putting our son back in the car when he called out to me, saying, "...I ain't ready to quit!"

Accomplished

Today I am feeling accomplished. I woke up at 0630, ate breakfast and got myself and my son ready, and we went off to our 0800 WIC appointment, where I finally got us registered (yay!). Now I just have to sit down and figure out what I'm going to get at the store tomorrow.

On top of that is the fact that it is 1030 and I have already done something besides eat. Also, yesterday we manage to build the new shelving for our living room, and then I went through and unpacked (if appropriate) the boxes that were starting to look more like wall decoration than moving paraphernalia. My husband walked in and made the comment, "...It's starting to look like a living room!...I'm not sure I like this..." Of course he was joking; I looked over at him and he was looking at me intently with a grin on his face. I love him. So, aside from hanging things on the wall and moving out the boxes that go in different rooms, the living room is done (yay!). I am so happy that finally happened. Unfortunately, the stores do not have sturdy book shelves in the range we are willing to pay, so we have to find and order one online, meaning it will be a few more weeks before I get to sink in to the office. That is okay--the living room is done. :D

We also finished buzzing my son's hair off yesterday; we started Saturday, but he only sat still long enough for us to get the bulk of it off. So many curls! Hopefully now he will stop playing with his hair so we can grow out those beautiful curls without him getting his fingers stuck in them and then breaking them off. Between his walking with his hands behind is back and that "bald" spot, he looked like an old man! Anyway, I also rid the bathroom of the hair.

Ooo, and I got the new crib moved upstairs and put together. I know all these things seem like very little silly things to celebrate, but I have developed into a practicing procrastinator, so each little thing that either gets done fully or gets done immediately is going to be celebrated so I realize I am changing for the better.

Goals Redone

My year's goals really weren't all that screwed up or hard to adapt. I deleted some that cannot be accomplished whether due to pregnancy (such as working out vigorously for an hour every day), or deployment (spending time as a whole family) or not knowing if we'll be here for another three years or if we'll be moving again in a year (like making my own vanilla extract which takes six months and which the movers will refuse to pack because it won't be "sealed"), and changed others so they would fit the current circumstances, such as changing the dates I expect to have them accomplished by. A lot of them are oriented now so they are done at least a month before the baby is due instead of toward the end of the year.

All in all I am still feeling pretty good about my plans, and I am rather excited at reviewing my list and seeing that I already have a couple crossed off or have started recently. That means I am succeeding at becoming the person I want to be, and that is a euphoric feeling nothing can take away.

Goals

I actually made a big list of goals for this year, whether things to accomplish or things to try. I knew we were going to be moving at the beginning of the year, and I did incorporate that into my plans, such as wanting to be totally unpacked within three months. Sadly, a couple things have postpone or changed some of my plans. One--I'm pregnant and am extremely lacking in energy. Two--I did not consider how long it would take to get our belongings again. So, now I have the fun task of rewriting my plans...for the remaining six months of the year...

Sorry

Lately, it has come to my attention that I apologize and then try to justify most of what I do. Whether the action requires an apology or not, some form of one comes out. If no apology, I feel bad and most definitely bring up some kind of excuse or justification. For instance, in dropping my son off at the babysitter's, I told her I brought his stuffed dog with him. She stated it was no problem, she has plenty of toys and he'll be fine. I then immediately gave out the bashful sigh/laugh and started saying how, "Oh, I know, but this way he has something familiar in case...[blah blah blah]." Wow. Am I so paranoid about others opinions that I don't even trust my own judgement? I have come so far in not caring what people think and not striving for their approval. Now, however, I find myself not wanting to impress necessarily, but to....not be misunderstood? I don't know. I still firmly believe that if they don't like me, it's their loss, but this new need for understanding or whatever it is is most definitely very confusing. Do I say this is all spiritual growth? Or do I blame it on the pregnancy hormones? All I know that I can do is pray about it.

God Forbid

This song is exactly how I feel right now. It varies between talking about everyone or myself, but I venture to say the majority of the time is just trying to get me to realize how truly awesome God is. Thank you, Point of Grace!

The more I know your power, Lord, the more I'm mindful--how casually we speak and sing Your name, how often we have come to You with no fear or wonder, and called upon You only for what we stand to gain. God forbid that I find You so familiar that I think of You as less than who You are. God forbid that I should speak of You at all without a humble reverence in my heart. God forbid.
Lord, I often talk about Your love and mercy, how it seems to me Your goodness has no end. It frightens me to think that I could take You for granted. Though You're closer than a brother, You are more than just my friend. God forbid that I find You so familiar that I think of You as less than who You are. God forbid that I should speak of You at all without a humble reverence in my heart. God forbid.
You are Father, God Almighty, Lord of lords, You're the King of kings, beyond my understanding, no less than everything! God forbid that I find You so familiar that I think of You as less than who You are. God forbid that I should speak of You at all without a humble reference in my heart. God forbid!

Memorial Bitterness

Yesterday was Memorial Day, and I have to say, I was a bit more than bitter. Don't get me wrong, I am more than happy that my family got to enjoy a four-day weekend. I think, however, that our oh so lovely country sees Memorial Day as just that--a day or two off. Sure, a lot of my friends posted a status on Facebook about "the real reason we celebrate", but what do they actually do in their life? If something is worth celebrating, you live it, you don't "YAY!" for a day and then drop it again. Yes, one status change can lead to less ignorance, but what if they only posted it because they felt they needed to? Or because it would impress a friend? The only people I am not bitter towards are those I know live each day supporting their troops, fallen and fighting, and sadly enough, most of those people are soldiers themselves.

Quite frankly, 1% of our whole nation's population is not enough to make up a military. That is where we are now. That is why people find it okay to not honor our troops or protest them or whatever. Because they do not personally know someone who serves. How much would this war change....how much would this country change if more people joined the ranks? How much more would we care for eachother and support eachother if we all were actually in this together?

People can "celebrate" Memorial Day and President's Day and Patriot Day and all those other pro-USA days all they want, but it doesn't mean squat if they don't do something with it.

On the Fritz

Do you ever feel like your favorite show is not on, a game is not loading properly, you cannot find your favorite book, or your computer is on the fritz just might be God telling you to stop what you are wanting to do and do what He is asking you do to? I have felt that way a lot lately, and sadly I have been ignoring it. Needless to say, I have not been in the best of moods lately, and aside from the pregnancy hormones putting me on the fritz as well, I would say that my lack of personal time with God has definitely been a major contributor to the strife. I have allowed the fact that there is no church in the area to meet my spiritual needs to halt my personal time as well, and that is just not acceptable.

How many times will I do this? How much longer until I actually mature into the God-fearing woman I was created to be? God-fearing -- that's an adjective for you. I have been taught (and believe) that God is a personal God. He loves us deeply and wants to have personal relationships with each of us individually. I have come to realize, though, that informality has made me very slack in the department of God-fearing. I cannot say that I truly do fear God. If I imagine a burning bush started speaking to me and said it was God, I think I would either laugh tell whoever to come out from wherever they were hiding or pee my pants and run away. Neither of those options show belief or holy reverence for the Almighty. Saying that truly hurts me. Do I really want to live through the ugly days of the Old Testament before I will learn that holy fear, or will I study it and meditate on it until it has at last become true in my life? Please, God, help me do the latter!

Telling All

Well, telling the parentals was not near as bad as I expected. The two sets reacted as I said as being excited for the baby and accepting of our decision. The third set reacted a lot better than I thought. Very calm, quiet, and letting us know to check all our options before making any final decisions; I could tell that one of them really wanted to say something, though, and she ended up leaving the room very quickly after a few minutes. I was surprised to find that the set that's the most outspoken is the one that not only was the quietest in response but also the most scared because I'm in a different country. I thought about it, though, and it really wouldn't be any different than if I lived on the other side of the States from them and there were no family nearby; they'd still worry about someone being there to take care of me. In the meantime, a couple family members are contemplating flying over here around the time of the birth to help out. That would be awesome.

Dreams

I have experienced a great increase in dreams these past few weeks, and it is making life interesting. I do not believe they are all from God, but I do not discredit that God speaks to us through dreams either. It's the figuring out which ones are which that I have to work on.

The reason I say this is making life interesting is because that first week or so, I woke up from the dreams thinking, "That was a pregnancy dream." I thought I was just a little obsessed because I did not want to get pregnant before the deployment if possible. Two weeks later, though, I found out that I am pregnant. A few of the other dreams I have had have stuck with me, and it's making me examine them and pull out my dream interpretation book. We'll see what happens. Time to visit stirthewater.com!

Spreading the News

Truly, I am terrified to tell my family about the baby. Not that they won't be happy; they'll be thrilled. Before we even moved, though, they were telling us we had no other option besides to move me and my kid back stateside if I got pregnant before the deployment. Now, part of my family would say their peace and then let us make our decision, whether they agree or not. Another part, though, are the controlling type. They speak as if they know exactly how things work, despite that they've never been deployed (or married to a soldier), so they're just going off of information they've heard passed around. They do not consider every aspect, and if we tell them the other parts in the consideration, they are incredibly biased against it, acting as if those facts should not even make staying here a consideration. This is our life, this is our decision. We appreciate that you care, but back off. Gah, the talk has not even happened yet, and I already know how it's going to go!

On the friendlier side of things, I keep going over what will be the best way to tell my husband and various friends and family members. Funny? Off-handed? Serious? Straight-forward? I have a few ideas, and I would venture to say the majority of my day (and probably the next few days at least) has been spent going over all these options.

Pregnant

Blood tests confirmed today that I am indeed pregnant. Tomorrow I get to set up my first OB appointment.

There is a myriad of emotions right now as everything processes. If you ask me how I am feeling about it, it will vary with the minute, depending on which thought/emotion went through most recently.

Now I just have to hold my mouth shut until the husband gets home so we can figure out how exactly this is going to work.

Not Entirely Accurate

Well, my deduction of the cleanse and everything I went through may not be entirely accurate. From everything I know and everything I felt, it is accurate. However, it looks like it was influenced. This morning a home test revealed that I am pregnant.

At the moment I am in complete denial. Reason being this is not at all in the time frame that I had in mind. My husband will be deployed by the time the birth comes along. This means, of course, that he may miss the birth altogether; he may be there, but then have to leave after a couple weeks; either way I have to raise that baby (and our current child) by myself until his tour is over. Not to mention that we recently moved to a foreign country, so none of my or his family is here to help things along. I would never dream of trying to give the baby back to God. Until the pregnancy is confirmed via blood test, though, I am in denial. I do not want to work myself up just to find out that test was faulty.....as if I haven't worked myself up enough in the last 30 minutes anyway.

Doctor appointment on Wednesday to confirm/deny the findings.

Results

I promised to remeasure everything so I could see exactly what happened from the cleanse. I did not expect much, though, since I was technically only on the cleanse for two days. I waited until I had been on real food for at least two days before I took any measurements. Here are the new measurements (and the difference).

Weight: 145 lbs (-2 lbs)

Chest: 37" (-.75")

Waist: 33" (-1")

Hips: 37.75" (-.25")

Thighs: 21.25" (-1.5")

Arm: 10.25" (same)

Calf: 14.25" (-.25")

Wrist: 6" (same)

Average body fat: 31.85% (-1.45%)

The allergic reaction I had is 99% gone now. I am sure it was from the cleanse, though. If it was a direct reaction, it would have been a symmetrical spread of hives (like every other time it has occurred), but this time was only one side of the face, and did not spread from a central location. My energy is back (thank you, God!). I still become queasy if I eat more than minimal amounts of junk food, which....I am okay with that aspect. It makes me look at how much of what I just ate and then I am shocked.

All in all, I am convinced that the cleanse is not all hype. If it was, I don't think my measurements would have changed like that. If it was hype, the random allergic reaction would not have happened. I know I will never try the cleanse again because of the "getting old" factor of it for me, but I would recommend it to others who are looking for a way to detoxify their bodies.

Ease-out: day 2

Today has been easier, though I've still had my bouts of discomfort. I worked up to chicken noodle soup, though, and it tasted delicious. I know now I will never do the cleanse again. The drink indeed became old. And it's one thing for it to become boring, but that's not what happens with me. When a food item becomes old to me, I physically cannot handle ingesting them without throwing up, or near to it. I think the only reason I have not actually gotten sick yet is because I always stay clear of that particular item when the feeling sets in. As it is now, I become queasy simply thinking about the taste of the lemonade (despite that it tasted good). I know, weird, but that's how I am.

Ease-out: Day1

Last night I was incredibly queasy. There were many points where I felt as if I would throw up at any moment, so much so that I was carrying a trash can with me. Based on that, I would venture to say I have a lot of toxins to be rid of. I just have to find some other way to get them out. Should I ever do this again, I will have to have someone here to take care of me (or simply to take care of the kid so I can crash on the couch). If you ever do it, make sure you have a support team physically around you. I tried the salt water flush this morning. Considering that I was still queasy this morning, I did not finish the whole thing. I drank maybe 1/4 of it and dumped the rest. I think the orange juice today is helping simply because it has more calories in it.

Quitting the Cleanse

I don't think I'm going to make it to finish the cleanse, for multiple reasons. 1) I only have enough syrup to last the rest of the day (maybe), and even if the store did restock between today and yesterday, I would have to buy out pretty much their whole stock (I use a bottle a day). 2) I cannot ingest enough of the required fluids to get the amount of calories I physically need. I find myself thinking about my son's food. Not because those oyster crackers are oh so tempting (in fact, the Easter candy stash has had no influence on this decision), but because I know I need more energy. Yesterday I drank 12 glasses, which should have had me over the needed 1200 calories; however, last night and today I was and am still shaky, cold, and tired. 3) I just don't think I am ready for something like this. I think the ease in actually started the cleanse, so technically this would be day four of the cleanse. If I keep count like that, that means by the time I get done with the ease-out, I will have done six days of just juice. Huh, that's still not the required. Oh well. My final decision will happen at the store within the next few hours, but my guess is I am going to be stocking up on fruits and veggies and not more lemons. ------------------------------------------------- It is official. Today is the last day of the cleanse. The store had restocked on the syrup, yes, but not enough to finish the cleanse. I feel I should explain a little more. This was not a bad experience. The lemonade did not taste bad. When I was not feeling well, it was minimal and did not last long once I changed the strength of the laxative. The reason I am not continuing is because I cannot keep up with my energy needs. Then again, I am bad at drinking the amount of water I need throughout the day as well. Perhaps after I get to where drinking lots of water is not a big deal I will be able to do the cleanse all the way through. I realize quitting just as it is getting started is the worst thing I can do, but my arms no longer functioning after holding my toddler for five minutes just is not going to work for another eight days. I am looking forward to the fresh orange juice tomorrow. I have never had it fresh before, and I found it to be so much more delicious than store bought juice! I am also looking forward to the fresh strawberries, pineapple, and watermelon. Mmm. Granted the solids are still a few days away. I will be doing the ease-out for three days starting tomorrow, though I doubt I will have much to say about that. On Friday or Saturday, expect an update on my measurements. We'll see if these whole two days changed anything.

Cleanse: Day2

Today is about the same. I am surprised at how quickly I am going through the syrup. I just bought two bottles yesterday, and I will have to get more either tonight or tomorrow. Hopefully the store has stocked up by then, because there was only one bottle left. :\ I am definitely getting the belly gurgles before a bowel movement. At first I thought, "Aw, hungry already?!" Then I realized. I think tomorrow I am going to try the salt water flush and see if I like that any better. Yesterday I was cold. Supposedly that means I am not drinking enough lemonade for what my body needs. Oops. Apparently I do more activity than I thought! I am trying to be better about that. Since I can't handle the amount of fluid when using a whole lemon, sometimes it seems like I am making a drink every 30 minutes. That's alright, I stay home anyway. By the end of the day yesterday, the taste of the lemonade was getting old to me. Hopefully that doesn't actually happen. I can't make myself eat/drink something once I have overdone it. Then again, if the store is out of syrup, I guess I don't have much of a choice. :\

Cleanse: day 1

I'm not feeling well today, slightly nauseated. I am not sure if it's because of the herbal laxative or if it's toxins flushing through. My allergic reaction is not as itchy today, though the redness has spread a little; there is no swelling like there is normally. The lemonade was not bad. I found out the hard way that I cannot drink 2.5 glasses at one time. I thought I would be smart and just make the whole lemon at one time. :\ Surprisingly it was the syrup, not the cayenne pepper, that was the biggest adjustment for me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am doing better now. I think it was the herbal laxative that was making me not feel well. Woloshyn said if you experience diarrhea-like symptoms (like cramping), to forego the next laxative until the effects have stopped, and then next time to make it a smaller dose, or in my case, a weaker cup of tea. The first cup I brewed for 10-15 minutes as instructed. The second one I only brewed for five minutes, and I am doing much better this go around. I think I might knock it down to 3 minutes, though, and see how that does. I did not like that I was nervous about going to the store.

Ease in: day 3

Today is my final ease-in day before the cleanse. This means tonight I take my first laxative (...yay...). I do have to say I am more apprehensive than when I started that journey. In my defense, though, these past few days have been rather difficult, since I have never had a problem getting the minimum recommended calories. I keep second-guessing my math on how much lemonade I will need in a day. *sigh* I am still excited, though, to see the results. Already, I can say that I am a lot more aware of when I am hungry and when I am not. I might have to start eating with a saucer instead of a full-size plate once I get done with this, just to be sure that I do not jump right back to simply filling up my plate. I also am not as tired today as I was yesterday.

After going to the store and buying another bag of oranges to finish off my day, I was appauled to look down and see the bag almost empty. Then I thought, "Well, it's supposed to be. The day is almost over." Today was not as hard to get the essential calories down. I am learning about how much I need and all that jazz. I am thinking the cleanse will be a little more difficult, though, in certain aspects. For instance, it calls for only two tablespoons of lemon juice per cup, meaning the syrup will be the main source of calories, not the juice itself. I performed the math and figured I will have to consume 11 cups of lemonade to get the minimum amount of calories. That is a lot of liquid! If all else fails, I will gain some hand and arm muscle from this cleanse. The juicer I have is technically electric, but it still requires manpower. It turns on not by a switch, but by the pressure of the fruit pushed down on the juicer. And what does the pushing? My hands, which at this point are starting to be sore from not only the pushing down on the juicer, but also the rolling the fruit under my hand to make more juice come out.

*side note* Aaahhhh, my face itches!!! I hope this allergic reaction is washed out once I start the cleanse.

Allergic Reaction

I am allergic to an ingredient found in the vast majority of beauty products. I have to read the labels on every chap/lipstick, lotion, body wash, shampoo, etc before I buy. I am sensitive enough to this item that I kissed my husband's head and had a reaction because this item was in his hair product. I have also had a reaction simply because a grandparent in the family kissed my child and then I kissed apparently in the same spot. So, either someone in daycare the other day kissed my child after a tumble and big bump, and I am reacting to that, or else the cleansing process has already started, and this reaction is due to some of those old toxins being washed out again. Hopefully it is the later. The reaction, no matter how small, usually takes a few weeks to clear up.

Ease in: day 2

Surprisingly, I was did not feel like I was starving this morning, despite how I felt last night. I did manage to ingest over 1200 calories yesterday. I think today, though, will be a little bit more difficult. Today is only fresh juices and broths. The juices I have been able to find the calorie count online somewhere. The vegetable broth, though, is not working very well. My recipe does not include a calorie count, and all the information I find online is either for a different vegetable broth recipe or does not say what is included in the broth, which can be a big deal when some are only 15 calories per cup and some are 60 calories per cup. My only idea right now is to take the average and just use that. It will give me an estimate, anyway.

Ease in: day 1

Today is my first day of the "ease in" for the cleanse. This means that I am only eating living foods (fruits, veggies, and sprouts). I have to say, it was fairly hard to eat the spinach without dressing. Even more difficult, though, was going to my Bible study where there was lots of homemade celebration foods, such as cookies, brownies, monkey bread (ooohhh), various other homemade breads, baked french toast, etc. There were a couple plates of fresh fruits and veggies, so I had some of those. This is not part of the real cleanse, so it is okay to cheat; it just kind of defeats the purpose of the ease in. I did cheat a little. Halfway through my plate of spinach, it became too...I don't know...bitter, I guess, for me to eat anymore. So, I broke out some oyster crackers. That will probably happen again tomorrow, since tomorrow is only fresh juices, smoothies, and broths. It's just a bit of salty without being completely bad, as far as I can figure. It is becoming monotonous, though. I only bought a small amount of food so that I would make sure to eat it all and not put some to waste. This means, however, that I am eating a lot of the same food over and over. I am okay with the large amount of strawberries, but they do not provide many calories. I am a fruit person, so it is really hard to make myself eat the amount of veggies I set aside.

Health Goals

I have decided I am going to start the ease in process tomorrow. Today I went to the store and loaded up on fruits and veggies. I am pretty sure, though, that I am going to need a whole lot more than what I got this morning.

I have some pretty general goals for this cleansing period. The big and obvious ones are to become more healthy, remove the toxins from my body, have more energy, and lose a little weight. More specifically, I want to learn how to eat a healthier diet, and I want to have a lower body fat percent. A side goal is I want to take this time as a spiritual cleansing also, to find where I am and spend a lot of time with God.

I will be walking during the cleanse as exercise, but afterward I am going to ramp up the workouts, alternating between cardio, weight, and resistance training. I want exercise to be a regular and enjoyable part of my life. It hasn't necessarily not been enjoyable, but I have not stuck to it, either. I think the cleanse is going to be a good boost at sticking to something (seeing as how I'll most likely be very uncomfortable if I quit). I am making sure that I get the minimum recommendation of 1200 calories every day (or I've been told you enter starvation mode), if not a little more. I want to plan out the kinds of meals I will be making and the kind of way I want to eat after the cleanse is over, that way I do not fall back into the same habits of relying on incredibly processed foods. I also do not want to restart eating as much chocolate as I currently do; with Easter candy overwhelming the stores right now, I chose a poor time of year. ;)

Here are the recommended stats to track, assuming I measure myself correctly.
Weight: 147 lbs
Waist: 33"
Hips: 38"
Thighs: 23"
Energy level on a scale of 1-10: 4

I also tried following the direction of some online body fat % calculations. Two were very close, but one was way below. Based on my fitness level and how quickly I become winded, I'm pretty sure that one was wrong. So, I'm going to average the two that were closer together and go from there. Apparently I am not far off from the healthy range for this stat. However, I do not like hugging the border. My goal % would be between 23-30. My weight goal is to be healthy, but if that could be somewhere between 130 and 140 that would be awesome. I do understand that the end of the cleanse is not the weight I will stay at, but I am referring to the working out afterwards as well. Of course, I will settle for a low body fat % (meaning lots of muscle) that overrides the weight goal. ;)
Body fat: 33.3%

Almost there

Well, part of the dinner I made last night was bad, meaning leftovers are laughable. One more meal to make, which will only carry me through today and tomorrow, and then I start!

Today I am going to the store to get all the fruits and veggies to carry me through the ease-in days. Day 1--only live foods. Day 2--smoothies, broths, or juices. Day 3--Orange juice. All these things have to be made fresh, so it'll be interesting. Hopefully my new juicer ends up working awesomely.

No More Sweets

I mentioned before that I went to the store and no sweets sounded good besides ice cream. Well, yesterday I went to the store on an empty stomach, and I did not get a single thing that was not needed. The ice cream did not even look good this time. I have been starting my mornings with (real) yogurt with some fresh pineapple cut up in it, so I don't know if that sedates my sweet urge or what. Candy/chocolate not ruling me, though, is an incredibly good feeling. My one exception is homemade hot cocoa, but even that I am not craving anymore.

I have two more meals to make (only because I do not want the incredients to go bad) before I start the cleanse, meaning I still have three to five days to go.

My day is half over and I have not had any water yet. Oops!

Pre-deployment and the Cleanse

The last deployment, I did not have to deal with the regular pre-deployment emotions because I had just gotten married. We knew he was deploying, so I stayed where I lived at that time since family was nearby, while he was stationed some states away. I did not know that the soldiers worked so late and seemed to barely be home. That aspect has definitely caught me off guard.

Now my husband is in the field. My goal had been to use up the last of the meal foods before I started the cleanse. However, I find myself wanting to start it now. I do not know exactly why this has suddenly hit, but I think it may be at least partially because I want to flush out the emotions that these circumstances are causing. I do not know if it would actually help or not, but it may take my mind off things.

Blah Day

The good news: the various Easter candies in my house, bought either by me or sent in a care package from my family, are no longer looking very appetizing. I am not sure if this is because I am becoming more focused on the cleanse and what I am putting into my body or if it because I am having a blah day. The bad news: a pint of Ben & Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie still sounds delectable.

Time to ease my meals "down" a bit to prepare for the cleanse! Yay!

Not Even Started

Grocery shopping was interesting yesterday. I went just for basic groceries (and only bought what was on my list), but everything in the ice cream section called to me! It was as if they were saying, "Get me now and you can have me finished off before you start the cleanse! Yeah!" Oh, so horrible! I have not even started the cleanse yet, and already the food taunts me.

In the meantime, the only items I have left to buy are the fresh fruits. Yay!

Cleansing

I have recently discovered the importance of cleansing ourselves--externally (obviously), internally, and spiritually. I am currently reading "The Complete Master Cleanse" by Tom Woloshyn. I had heard of it before, but I was not very interested. Lately, though, something else brought it to my attention. I did a lot of online research, whether testimonials, tricks, or instructions. I quickly became very interested in the idea, so I ordered the book, which has only further sparked my interest and excitement.

At the end of this coming week, I will start the ease in, which consists of slowly changing what I eat in preparation for the cleanse. The cleanse itself lasts 10 days minimum and has been labeled a "liquid monodiet", meaning you only eat/drink one thing--a lemonade of sorts made from water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. Sounds crazy, right? But the ingredients are such that, surprisingly, your body will be receiving the nutrients it needs and will not be starving. I truly am excited. I have gathered some of the ingredients already. I will be tracking my journey into not only the cleanse but also into a healthier diet and lifestyle.

I will have finished the book by the time I start the cleanse. Just before I start, I will post my goals and expectations.